This subject is probably going to step on a lot of toes but I’m not going to apologise for the way I feel and my personal opinions. These are my experiences and personal opinions with some level headed talk and deductions in between.
In short, dating a Daddy with real kids of school going age can be sucky at times. Personally, I wish that my Daddy had been a little more savvy and careful or maybe just kept it in his pants until he met me. It would have made things a lot easier. But, the truth is that life doesn’t always go the way we planned or wish it would and I fell madly, deeply and totes insanely in love with a man who has a young child. So, here are the facts, my feelings and how I deal with things.
I know the first part of this post seems negative but there are some upsides to dating a man with children which I will get to a little later so please bear with me on this.
Fact: His Child ALWAYS Comes First
This is hard enough for any vanilla girl to deal with but even more so for a babygirl. We depend so much on the love, affection and attention we get from our Daddies and we look forward to spending every moment we can with them. When he has a child or school going age, that child is going to take up his time and attention.
I am not step mom material. I am not a kid person and I have no idea what the hell to do with them when they are around me. I am young, naive, and impulsive, I swear like a trooper, I am irresponsible and silly and sometimes downright stupid.
I also come from a broken home where my father’s girlfriend was and is always around when I see him. We never have quality time together without her being the third wheel and annoying the living shiz out of me. So I like to give my Daddy space and personal quality time whit his daughter, even when I have been around when he spends time with her, I withdraw and encourage him to not pay me attention so that she doesn’t feel threatened or like she has to compete with me for his attention and love. She is a child and that is how children see things, especially when they come from an unstable and broken home environment.
If you are in a similar situation, there are going to be times when you feel sick, when your emotions and/or hormones are running amuck with you and turning your life upside down, there are going to be really bad days or weeks when you just want to crawl into a corner and disappear. The job of a Daddy is to help, guide and love his little through these things, things that upset her, hurt her, frighten her or make her miserable. However, when that same Daddy has a child, that child comes first (and rightly so).He will sacrifice being with you, even if you really desperately need him (life and death situations aside). You will be left alone, not only when you just want to see him but also when you really need someone in your corner and not just from a distance.
Even if you are not in this particular type of situation, even if you play step mom of friend to his child, when they are around you will not be able to spend that time with your Daddy the way you would like, you will not be able to have sex when you want or on a whim, you will have to keep your little side in check so that you can be responsible and look after his child like a responsible. Competent and logical adult.
Yes, you chose this man, this brilliant, kind, caring man that makes you happier than you ever thought possible. He has responsibilities and you may not like them and you may sometimes hate that he has them but that doesn’t change the fact that they are there and it is now your job to deal with it as best you can.
When he cannot be with you because he is spending time with his child, you will have to deal with your life and your emotions and your own shit on your own and it’s horrible sometimes because there will be times where you will be desperate for his reassurance, hugs, kisses, cuddles, his strength and his love.
Fact: You Have To Share Him
It is a well known fact that many a babygirl does not like to share her Daddy with anyone or anything. You want all of his attention all of the time. But, when he has a child you have to share him and be understanding about it.
If you are in my kind of situation you have to understand that he cannot be with you when you want or need him to because you have to share him. He will spend time with you but he will also devote a significant chunk of his free time to his child.
If you spend time with his child with him, you had to make sure that you don’t hog his attention and that you give his child as much of his affection and attention as you possibly can. You have to be the grown up and understand when his child takes his attention from you, even if you are in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of doing, sharing, showing, whatever you may be doing together, if his child butts in, his attention will always automatically be turned to his child. This is something you have to come to terms with and understand.
Fact: You Will Have A Responsibility Towards his Child
I am not in a situation where I currently have any responsibility towards Monster’s daughter. However, if you spend time with his child as a couple, you will undoubtedly have a responsibility towards them.
You will be responsible for looking after his child when he steps out for a little while. You will have the responsibility of guiding, nurturing and positively influencing this growing and developing person. You will be partly responsible for teaching this child life lessons, social interaction, behaviour, etiquette, manners and a wide range of other things. You will effectively be a role model for this child and you will have to take that responsibility very seriously.
It is a HUGE responsibility to be part of a child’s life, no matter how limited the interaction.
Fact: You Are Going To Resent Him Having A Child At Least Once
This probably sounds very bad and if you have experienced it you probably feel super duper guilty and like the wicked witch of the story for thinking/feeling it. The truth is that his child is not your biological child and you may actually not be ready to have children of your own yet either. You may be young, naive, inexperienced and immature (like me) and it will be hard for you to deal with and understand all the responsibilities and commitments your Daddy has because he has a child. At at least one point or another, especially earlier on in your relationship, you are probably going to resent the fact that he has a child for one reason or another. Whether it is because he doesn’t have the time to spend with you, you don’t have enough alone quality time, he doesn’t have the financial footing to spoil you, he is stressed because of things relating to his child etc, the list can possibly be endless of reasons why, even in the smallest degree, you may at some point resent him having a kid.
PLEASE NOTE: this does not mean that you resent the child themselves; just that you resent the responsibility and restrictions it places on your Daddy that takes his time, attention or something else away from you.
It’s ok to feel this way, as long as you constructively deal with your feelings and don’t take it out on the kid or unnecessarily on your Daddy. It is also not ok to harbour anger or resentment towards anyone for any reason. Learning to deal with and work through your feelings is very important.
Being unhappy is ok and your Daddy can’t ever get mad at you for having certain feelings, but he can get mad at the way you express them. You need to communicate your feelings to him at some point, even if you don’t want to talk about it immediately, you need to make sure you talk about it when you are ready and comfortable to do so.
Fact: You Can Be A Kid Without Being Judged
You can let your little side out to a certain extent around children without fear of how they will judge you. It may also help you connect with his kid/s in ways that other adults can’t. You can use your inner child to really build a relationship with and have fun with his kid, especially if he has a daughter. Even if your Daddy has a son, you can play with awesome action figures, cars, water pistols. You can play together, build forts, watch animated movies, laugh and giggle together, drag Daddy to the toy isle and cuddle all the stuffies or love on all the dolls together. There are so many things you can do with his child that other grownups just won’t indulge them in that will endear you to them and help you build that ever important relationship.
Fact: Having A Child Makes Him More Experienced
This is not the rule of thumb; there are many Daddies out there without biological children of their own who make wonderful Daddy Doms. However, on average I think it is safe to assume that because he has a child it will lend him some experience and make him more understanding, more capable, wiser and more adept to dealing with your inner babygirl.
Fact: It Is Easier When He Has Grownup Children
Men with grownup children don’t have the same types of responsibilities and commitments that Daddies with younger children do. This will make a DD/lg relationship easier for littles to handle when there are biological children involved. Overall he will most likely have more time and attention to devote to you and things that are issues with young children just aren’t there with grownup kids.
My personal Notes:
So, this post has helped me a lot this weekend. I have been feeling very unhappy because I miss my Monster very much and he is spending the weekend with his daughter. Putting my feelings to paper but also making myself highlight the good points has been a very constructive way to deal with this particular bout of absent Daddy sadness and resentment.
I don’t resent Daddy’s daughter, but I do get lonely and sad and miss him terribly when he is away to spend time with here. I actively encourage him to spend as much time with her as possible, even though it hurts when he is gone, because I know what it is like to not see my father from a young age. I have seen things through the eyes of a child from a broken home which makes me feel extra guilty for resenting his commitments and responsibilities sometimes. There are times that I can handle it and it is hard for me to make peace with the fact that there are also times that I can’t, times that I am completely miserable without him no matter how I try to distract myself with other things. I am learning to accept that it’s OK to feel this way as long as I don’t let it drag on too long and as long as I communicate with Daddy and find constructive ways to handle my emotions.
I know this post will ruffle some feathers but I hope that those with stepped on toes take the time to be mature enough to realise that everyone handles things in different ways, feels things differently and nobody has the right to negatively judge anyone else unless they have walked a few miles in that person’s shoes.
Let me know if you are a little with a Daddy who has kids, younger or grownup, and how it affects your relationship both positively and negatively. Let me know how you feel about it and how you handle it.